"What we change today is the foundation for a happier tomorrow." (20.05.2020 I realised this today)
Hey everybody, how are you folks?
If you haven't been on here, Welcome!
Do you ever have these days during those 365 or 366 days of a year, where you think about life and what it stands for? Maybe you watch a movie of five and realise that your life is one too but without all those clicheés? Those days of the year are probably when you are on your "Shark Week" or when you are drunk, maybe even both or none of the above. But I am sure we have all been there at some point.
(I am mostly speaking for myself right now so I have no idea how male human beings get there since you guys have no idea what "Shark Week" is like but anywho....)
For me, it mostly happens either during "Shark Week" or between 10 P.M. and 1 A.M. and sometimes I realise things that I probably should write down immediately so I don't forget them. Though most of the time I don't as I am lazy sometimes or don't think it is important enough to share with the world or remember again someday again.
But this time I actually decided to write it down AND share it with anyone who reads it, including myself.
During the last 23 years of my life, from the day I was born until today, I have experienced a damn lot of beautiful things. Actually, all of it was beautiful.
No matter if I remember it right now or not, (I usually remember things like flashbacks in certain situations but also have some memories I can look back at just like snapping my fingers...). Of course, not everything in my life was unicorn stickers and rainbow kisses. I have lost people, I have hurt people, I got hurt, I had tons of highs and lows and I have been thinking about how to end it all more than just one time, to be honest. But I am still here writing this so, in the end, I can say it was still the most beautiful thing to witness it myself.
It might not sound like I actually mean it but I am damn serious! Life itself is fucking beautiful and unless you find that out for yourself, there is probably not much I can say to convince you to believe me.
But sometimes you have to make certain experiences in order to get that kind of realization for yourself. Sure you could read about it or watch a movie about it but it won't be the same until something similar actually happens to you that you will remember or write down and tell the story about in a few years from that time in your life that it happened.
Now I have experienced the loss of two really important people in my life. The most important one was my mother, when I was seven years old, about 16 years ago in October.
Please don't get me wrong as I am not talking about this to be pitied for it.
I am talking about it because the other day, actually exactly five days ago (15.05.2020) on her 50th Birthday, I went to visit her at the graveyard in my old home area I grew up at. I went to visit her after months of not showing up at her grave because I think about her all the time anyway so I don't need to go there to feel close to her. And I realized that the actual reason I don't go there too often is that it fucking hurts. But I went there five days ago because she would have been 50 this year and she is my mother after all so I sat there beside her stone, brought some flowers for her and just sat with her, talking.
And whenever I did talk to her sitting next to her at the graveyard, I learned something.
Five days ago I learned that because of losing her so soon I actually had the opportunity to become the person that I am today.
I am not perfect, believe I am so not. But I also am not trying to be. I am still trying to be myself again. Because when I lost her all those years ago, I also lost a part of myself. I wasn't running around anymore or danced all the time.
I became an introverted and shy version of myself and still am super anxious at times. Sometimes I manage to be who I actually want to be but it never lasts for too long if I am honest.
When I was a child I was so goofy and funny and loved to sing and dance. Hell, I even went to some sort of acting and singing activity after school with a friend of mine. I used to take piano lessons and that started only because my mum used to sing with me all the time and dance and make music. I freaking love remembering those moments and years of my life. And I am super grateful for the memories!!!
The truth is that all this didn't stop because my mum was gone.
It stopped because I didn't have the support of some people in my life to tell me to keep going with my hobbies and the things I love.
But most importantly it stopped because I did not say I want to keep going. So in a way, it was my decision to go down the "easier" road and stop doing it.
I remember being mad at myself at times for not sticking to those piano lessons or for being so lazy in general.
In fact, I think I gave up on myself in a way and at some point, I tried to build a new foundation of confidence again. I can't say that picking the path that seems easy is also an easy path.
Most of the time it is the exact opposite, the hard way.
One step after another I always chose the tough way. At least that is how I remember it.
Of course, you could look at it from a different perspective and say it could have been even tougher along the way, so stop whining, girl!
And I agree! I really do, though let me get back to that later.
I mean, I always tend to go down the less easy road. I don't know why and it is also not really that important because what is important at this moment is to think about the experience that I made because of my decisions.
No matter if the decision was good or bad or somewhere in the middle of that.
Every decision I made, including the ones when I gave up on my hobbies and myself in a way, are the decisions I needed to make to become the person I am today.
I know I talk or in this case write in a confusing way but I always find a way back to what I wanted to talk about in the first place. (Well doing that in written form is much easier than when talking to someone and forgetting your point then...it happens a lot to me as I have tons of thoughts running through my head ALL.THE.TIME!...)
Now movies and TV shows have always had a big impact on my life as well as music and poetry.
Maybe that is an aftereffect of my mums' actions while she was still alive or maybe not. But all four of the mentioned categories of art are my thing to talk about and have become a way for me to express what I feel and what I experienced. I really can't imagine a life without any of them.
Music is what I use to feel better when I am angry. Just singing, in general, helps me to feel better in any situation.
Poetry is something I used to love back in High School. Maybe because it was a connection I shared with my grandma as she used to learn poems with me together for German class or just recited some of her favourites or self-written ones. So again it has become a way to make me feel better. I even started to learn some poems by heart and wrote some of my own as well. Writing them was and still is my way of sharing my emotions and experiences, but in a sort of coded way so not everyone knows what or how I feel/felt in certain moments.
Movies and TV shows, of course, have always been my favourite teachers. I really can't explain why I am so drawn to actors but I know I have always been amazed by there work. My first inspiration ever that I consciously spread the word about was coming from Thomas William Hiddleston, an actor from London, Westminster. His performances still amaze me and as long as I have been a fan of this beautiful man, my inspiration kept growing. I even developed a bigger interest in Shakespeare because in a moment of need I found a video of him reciting "Sonnet 18" on YouTube and it was my first poem, not only by Shakespeare but also in my entire life, I ever learned voluntarily. Okay maybe it was the second but that is not the point............. My point is that he still inspires me in a creative kind of way over the past decade, I found other actors and actresses to inspire me and get my creativity going. My list actually keeps growing and it probably will never end.
But another thing about movies and tv shows is that I keep reading between the lines. Right, I am sometimes using them to escape from reality but I really try to mostly use things I learn or notice from them, to become a better version of myself.
What I am trying to say here is that experience is always the reason why we act how we act. Experience is the reason for our decision and it will always be the reason for what happens next to us in life. So after watching a lot of movies about life and Drama that usually comes with it I came to the conclusion that there is no way to change the past, like at all!!!
I realised this before and I am sure we all know that it is a fact about life.
"The past can't be changed!"
But what we can change is ourselves. If you aren't happy, change something in your life. If you don't have a partner currently, start loving yourself first and stop looking for someone to you. Because if you stop looking the person you are meant to be with is one step closer. I know I need to look at myself and that is what I am doing. I am simply talking about me and my experiences but that doesn't mean that it will be different for any of you when you learn the same things just in a different way.
I have said this to a lot of people before and I can only say it again:
Life is not supposed to be easy at all because we wouldn't need to be here if it was all easy and Apple Pies. That doesn't mean that life is supposed to be tough all the time either. We already talk about balances in certain situations, especially when it comes to Life or Death, Good or Bad, Heaven or Hell, This or That and so on. Life itself is more than just achieving something and then setting another goal to work towards. It isn't about the Achievements but about the way of how we achieve something. Life is about making choices and learning from them. Because choices lead to consequences, some are great and others not so much. But consequences are the experiences we get in life, so we can cherish them, teach others about it and evolve aka learn from them. And there we are again with the Experiences that lead to our personal wisdom. And let me tell you: we are all full of wisdom as we all experience things in different ways. We are all who and where we need to be. So how about we take a deep breath and be grateful for WHO we are and how powerful each and every one of us is by simply making decisions in every moment of our lives.
Every second in life we decide what our future will look like. Every small thought is responsible for what happens next, no matter if that's 10 minutes, 10 days or 10 years from when that thought was running through your mind. So we decide what happens next on our own. Our thoughts are the most powerful thing we owe during life and I need to keep reminding myself. I know that times can be super rough and life can feel not worth the pain. So I am going to quote two of my favourite actors.
We are bound only by the limits of our imagination ~ Misha Collins
Always remember that no matter how useless you feel, you're someone's reason to smile ~Jared Padalecki
These are just two of my favourites. I definitely have a ton more where they came from and I happily share them with y'all, just not today. I feel like I already talked a bit too much but I needed to get this off my chest.
So here are my conclusions I dropped before I started this whole "LifeTalk" in the first place:
What we change today will be the foundation of a better tomorrow.
We might not be able to change the past, but realising that we can't keep going the way we did, during the last couple days, weeks, months or years even, is a big step towards something beautiful.
We got to stop searching for happier days and be grateful for the happiness that already exists in our lives.
We are all who and where we need to be 24/7.
We already set that in stone for ourselves but that doesn't mean we don't have choices to make.
Decisions will lead us to where we are meant to go and no matter how hard or awful some situation seems to be, everything always falls into place exactly how it needs to.
Now you can agree or disagree with me. You can share your own experiences with me but I can tell you that my conclusions will still fit into your lives just as well as they do fit in mine.
That is all for today.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk haha I really appreciate your existence!
See you next time.
Cheers, my pretties,
Laurie
P.S.: So if you want to talk to me about this or anything else or if you have a question or something else to say to me, please do!!!
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